The Mocha Manual

Today I Cried for Lost Black Boys: Sadness for Michael

2009-07-07T19:58:00.006-04:00

Today I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a little black boy who felt the world didn’t understand him. I cried for a little black boy who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood. And I thought about all the young black boys out there who may too feel that the world doesn’t understand them. The ones who feel that the world does not understand their baggy jeans, their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles, their fears or the chip on their shoulder. I worry that my son, may too, one day will feel lonely in a wide, wide world.

I cried for the young children of all colors who may live their life feeling like a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or their soul. What a burden to carry.

As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother should ever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears and sleepless nights that she must have endured seeing her baby boy in inner pain, seeing him struggle with his self-esteem, and his insecurities and to know he often felt unloved even while the world loved him deeply. How does it feel to think that the unconditional love we give as mothers just isn’t enough to make our children feel whole? I wonder if she still suffers thinking, “what more could I have done?” Even moms of music legends aren’t immune to mommy guilt, I suppose.

When Rev. Al Sharpton (who always delivers one hell of a funeral speech) said to Michael’s children, “Your daddy was not strange…It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with,” I thought of all the “strange” things of the world that my children will have to deal with. Better yet, the things I hope they won’t ever have to deal with anymore.

And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet a little confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough within himself to take on the world. Especially a "strange" one. To love himself enough to know that even when the world doesn’t understand you, tries to force you into its mold or treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful, strong and Black. How do I do that?

Today, I am taking back “childhood” as an inalienable right for every brown little one. In a world, that makes children into booty-shaking, mini-adults long before their time, I’m reclaiming the playful, innocent, run-around-outside, childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults. Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, MY Michael, knows that his broad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thick hair is beautiful.

And nothing or no one can ever take that away from him.

"Now aint we bad? And ain't we black? And ain't we fine? ---Maya Angelou

My Michael Memories

2009-06-26T20:22:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, on family movie night, I popped in "The Wiz" for the kids. They had seen every version of "The Wizard of Oz," and it dawned on me that I was doing them a major cultural disservice by not showing them "our" version. I still vividly remember the day my mom took my sister and I to see "The Wiz" as a live stage show in New York City.
After the kids and I did our own version of "Ease on Down the Road" all through the house, Kayla couldn't believe that the dark-skinned, full nosed, afro-wearing Scarecrow in the move was indeed, Michael Jackson. "How did Michael Jackson go from brown to white," she kept asking. "Chemicals," was my short answer.
Last night, as we watched a marathon of Michael Jackson videos, paying tribute to the pop sensation, the questions continued to roll in: "Why is he wearing eye liner?" "Why is his hair so straight now?" "Why does he grab his privates like that?" And boy, they kept coming. The truth is, Michael Jackson requires a lot of explaining. Especially to kids.
Heck, even adults couldn't comprehend the Michael Jackson of late. The allegations, the lawsuits, the showing up to court in pajama pants. And nobody will soon forget the day half of Black America thought of disowning Mike forever as he suggested sleeping in the same bed with children is not unnatural--he knows we don't get down like that!
But there's one thing about Michael Jackson that requires no explanation--his creative genius and master y of live performance. The man owned the stage and could have easily danced off, even pajama pants, on a bad day! And his music transcended generations. Growing up, Michael Jackson was always the crowd pleaser at our family events. The parents loved "I Want You Back," and "ABC" while the youngsters ate up anything from Off the Wall or Thriller. These days, "ABC" and "I'll Be There" still get heavy rotation on our road trip music playlist. Michael Jackson's music was always a win-win.
And as I watched my kids twirling to "Beat It" and mesmerized by the beautiful black faces and African imagery of the "Remember the Time" video, I was struck by the power of creative expression to leave a lasting mark. I was saddened to lose another talented, though troubled, Black male, long before his time. I'm going to think about living off the wall a little more myself. And I became infinitely aware that I am, now more than ever before, duly charged with teaching my children how to moonwalk.
Signed,
a PYT

My Michael Memories

2009-06-26T20:18:00.001-04:00

Remembering My First Mother-ish Experience

2009-06-18T19:34:00.002-04:00

Nine years before I was a mother, I was an aunt. Prior to having my own children, I was a go-get-'em career girl and kids were the farthest thing from my mind.
But, my nieces, oh my nieces! Autumn, and later, Bria, were my closest relationships and experiences with any baby. And I loved them dearly. This is especially true of my oldest niece, Autumn. I'll never forget the excitement in our family over the first grandchild. It was infectious and I was caught up in it. The night my sister went into labor, I was there to drive her to the hospital. I secretly hoped that her traveling musician husband (whom I really didn't like anyway) wouldn't make it to the hospital in time so I could be in the delivery room. But somehow he made it. (Darn!) But the moment was still unforgettable. Looking through the glass at this beautiful brown baby, who looked very much like every Seals family member who had come before her, and who had more curly hair than I thought possible, I was struck by the enormity of our family and our lives being forever changed. It was such a momentous occasion.

I just loved being Aunt Kim. Still do. When Autumn was in elementary school, I would try to go on one class trip each year. One time, a kid got sick on the bus. All the mothers began, as if on cue, to frantically start pulling things out of their bags -- wipes, baggies, tissues, first-aid kits, and defibrillators while I stood there useless, staring at my fave MAC lip gloss and my L'Occitane shea butter in my designer handbag. "Auntie, don't you have a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g in that bag?" I remember my niece asking sincerely. Funny, I thought I had e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g in my bag. Just nothing from the mommy world, it seemed. These days, when I peep into my handbag laden with wipes, toys, Band-Aids, and juice boxes, I just have to laugh about that day.
That's why it's so hard to believe that this weekend my Autumn will graduate high school and become an entering freshman at George Mason University majoring in biology. I am so proud of the young lady she is and the strong black woman she continues to become. I still distinctly remember bawling like a baby at her kindergarten graduation! But I am proud to have been a part of her life and know that being Autumn's aunt helped prepare me to be the mother I am today.

It's Black Fathers Week: My Special Message to Single Moms

2009-06-05T02:13:00.005-04:00

It’s Black Fathers Week in several cities across the country. And to celebrate the many, many strong, positive Black dads out there doing their thang, we're giving away, FREE!!, our popular "Strong Black Father Under Construction" tee shirt every day to the first 10 people who post a comment to this blog every day until June 9th.

In the meantime, I'm sending a special message to single moms everywhere this Black Fathers Week. This week is a time to encourage, celebrate and support Black fathers everywhere. I like this. We know there are so many great Dads out there who don't get their props. Remembering the importance of black fathers is so much more important in our community, where black women are disproportionately single parents. According to Census data, 45.4% of black homes are headed by a single female compared to 13.7% for whites and 22.3% for Latinas. Other studies show that black children are eight times more likely than white children to live with an unwed mother.
And though we are notorious for taking good care of our families—and the list of prominent, successful adults raised by single mothers runs long-- our children still need their fathers. As single parents this is particularly important. I’ve seen all too many black single moms let off a triumphant, “my child doesn’t his need his father.” “Her father doesn’t deserve to see her,” --add neck roll. And it just isn’t true. In fact, we should never want that to be our truth.

My girlfriend and I have been having an ongoing debate ever since my husband moved out and I joined the ranks of the single moms. She has been one for years. She laughs at all my efforts to keep the “wasband” involved in the children’s lives—continuing to notify him of doctor’s appointments, school conferences, recitals and soccer practices—even though he doesn’t show up half the time. She thinks I’m foolish for letting him see the children after he breaks the appointments, doesn’t call or has some other lame excuse. Of course, it annoys the hell out of me. Sometimes it makes me cry. But the truth is, my son still breaks into the biggest Kool-Aid smile when he sees his Dad pull up in the driveway. He often gets so giddy at pick-up he starts running around like crazy. I can't help but smile. At five years old, his memory is short and his standards for what a Daddy should be are pretty low. My husband won’t have this luxury for long. My 9-year old daughter is already hip to his game and very much less enthusiastic about his arrival and pick up. But that is a call for my children to make. Pretty soon, they will see their father for who he is, good and bad—children are so discerning, aren’t they? But it is not my place to paint that picture for them. Their Dad will have to deal with that with them when the time comes.
My girlfriend on the other hand, has a laundry list of the things she dislikes about her child’s father which she points to a “character issues” and “lack of responsibility” which quite frankly, are the farthest thing from her 3-year old’s mind. That little girl just wants to run and play and get a Happy Meal every now and then. Other times her anger about their broken relationship gets in the way. Either way, she’s caught in a control game, insisting on him playing by her rules. Her daughter is the biggest loser in this one. Now, I don’t play when it comes to safety issues of any sort. But outside of a child being in some sort of physical or emotional danger, there isn’t much reason, in my opinion, to keep children away from their Dads.

And as my mother will quickly tell me, when I launch into a complaining tirade about the wasband, “Well, you picked him and you slept with him.” There’s not much I can say to her after that.

So this week, I ask all single mothers to think about their children. Recognize the importance of our black men in our children’s lives. Not everyone has a perfect Dad. This is the reality of the world. But do something even small this week to support and encourage your child’s father presence in your little one’s life—despite his shortcomings. When it comes to raising strong, confident black children and revitalizing our communities—we need our men.

Leave a comment and your email address to get a FREE "Strong Black Father Under Construction" tee shirt. The first 10 people who leave a comment each day are guaranteed winners!!

Black Families: Tough Times Too Shall Pass

2009-05-27T15:07:00.002-04:00

In these tough financial times, Black mothers need to remember their strengths.

One of my dearest friends, a new mom of a six-month-old baby, and her husband are severely struggling financially. They relocated thousands of miles for a job offer that disappeared soon after they packed up their life and moved cross-country. She was determined to not go back. They ended up staying with friends and sometimes in separate homes while he struggled to find work, and she tried to stay home with the baby as long as possible.
As we chatted over coffee last week about how this recession is taking its toll, I reminded her and myself that if anyone knows how to make it out of a recession, it's Black people. We are notorious for making a way out of no way. Heck, most of our history has been a downturn, and even when times were good, our people never really fully participated in the upswing. Trickle-down economics never did really trickle all the way down, now did it?
And if there's one hope for pulling our Black families through this depression, it's Black women. It's us as mothers. Years ago, when our men went north to escape Jim Crow and find work, we held it down at home. We taught in schools, tended shops, shared food, and raised other people's kids when we had to. My granny was one of those women.
It's no wonder Black women start their own businesses at a faster rate than any other ethnic group -- we have always held it down for our families. We have always worked to secure our family's financial future. This is one of the things that really struck me while I was interviewing women for my latest book, The Mocha Manual to Turning Your Passion into Profit. The truth is, our men don't always have the same job stability or access to other opportunities that others may have. Historically, economists say Black families suffer worse during recessions. But we do what we gotta do to keep our families afloat. We make it happen. If you too are struggling with your family or your finances at this time, I'm reminding all Black mothers to remember what we're made of, what our ancestors pulled us out of, and to tap into all of your creative talents and resources to keep your family together.
I say to you, as I told my teary-eyed girlfriend, "You and your husband stick together and have each other's back. This too shall pass. This too shall pass."

Malaak Compton Rock Inspires Service; Makes Me Wonder

2009-05-19T14:48:00.010-04:00

Black mothers who inspire me are always my new BFFs.

Which is why I am so loving Malaak Compton Rock. I had the pleasure of meeting Malaak a few weeks ago at the Women's eNews 21 Leaders for the 21st Century gala awards in New York City. (Check out a few pics below. Paula Geddings, my fellow Amistad author was also honored for her historic book on my personal journalist shero, Ida B. Wells)

Malaak’s mom mantra is simple and borrowed from Marian Wright Edelman: service is the rent we pay for living. This is what she teaches her kids.

Malaak was fittingly recognized for her frankly phenomenal record of service to several organizations and founding http://www.angelrockproject.com/, an e-village promoting everything related to volunteerism, service, humanity and social responsibility.

Malaak’s latest project, Journey for Change: Empowering Youth through Global Service, which will be featured in CNNs Black in America 2 this summer, takes at-risk kids from Bushwick, Brooklyn and takes them to Johannesburg on a service mission to help impoverished and AIDS orphans (CNN's Soledad O'Brien presented Malaak with her award). The lesson is clear: no matter how bad you may have it, there are those in worse circumstances who need your help.

Malaak thanked her hubby, Chris Rock for leading her to the youths in Bushwick and being super supportive. I loved that!

Listening to Malaak’s commitment to service, made me think deeply about what and how we teach our kids about giving back. Our children live relatively privileged lives. Even if you are struggling, there are children in Africa who would love to have your circumstances.

I often wonder if I’m doing a good job keeping my own children grounded and grateful. Am I even setting a good example? How do you instill service into your children? How are you doing personally? Please tell me.

Check out Soledad O'Brien's CNN video on Journey for Change

In motherhood,
Kimberly

A Husband-Less Mother's Day And Learning to Accept What I'll Never Get

2009-05-13T10:43:00.004-04:00

Maybe it was wrong of me to expect that after seven years of marriage, two children and a no-drama-from-me divorce, that the wasband could have at least sent a “thanks for keeping my kids alive bi-otch” text message on Mother’s Day. Or given the kids $20 toward their own Mother’s Day efforts.

After all, Mother’s Day is about acknowledging and recognizing all the hard work mothers do. And while we expect mothering to be a thankless job when it comes to our children, we do expect grown ass men to recognize.

Well, I expected that.

Given the skimpy or non-existent child support, the inconsistent visitation and my continued efforts to make sure he stays involved in the children’s life, I think a small thank you would have been in order. I can’t help but feel that all across the nation last Sunday even bady daddys and one night stand Dads took a millisecond to send a text message or pick up some gas station flowers in a weak Mother’s Day effort. Not my wasband.

He seems oblivious to the fact that his children are always happy, clean and well-cared for even when he doesn’t pay a dime. That he walked out the door with little regard for how I would keep a roof over his children’s heads and yet he sees his kids pretty much anytime he chooses to show up. He doesn’t seem to notice that his son started reading at age 4 because I work with him every night even when I'm dog tired from holding my family together and that his daughter is a straight A student taking dance and sign language classes because of my encouragement and mothering. I guess, these things must have just happened because of the parenting fairy.

The fact is, I’m doing a damn good job dealing with circumstances that I didn’t create on my own, and I think a real man would recognize that beyond whatever personal issues exist. It would have been nice to have been acknowledged as a pretty good mother even if you think I was a beast of a wife. But my Mother’s Day was all about accepting that that may never happen. And I will have to be ok with it.

In motherhood,

Kimberly

Black Moms! Turn Mother's Day into Mother's Week & Beyond

2009-05-09T11:35:00.009-04:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day y'all, our one big day of the year where our kids paint up flower pots, pull out the construction paper, and then flower, chocolate , breakfast in bed, and brunch us into a semi-comatose state. Of course we sop it all up like a biscuit but we all know that we deserve so much more than one day of the year to celebrate us as Mothers.

But while you milk it for all its worth, please join me in two extraordinary efforts.

One, while everyone celebrates you on Mother's Day, please take a moment or the whole week to celebrate yourself. If you're anything like me, you spend a lot of time suffering from mommy guilt, feeling like you work too many hours, don't spend enough time with the kids, or don't cook enough from- scratch meals. Or you miss a game because you have to work, you can't find any patience anywhere or whatever else trips you up. Tomorrow, just give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a great job! That's your Mother's Day gift to yourself.

Now, for the other people in your house. While everyone is giving you all the attention on Mother's Day, don't be afraid to tell them what you REALLY want for Mother's Day --kids who clean their rooms and hubby's who don't leave their underpants on the floor!

I just read some great tips from Jamie Woolf and her new book, Mom-in-Chief: How Wisdom from the Workplace Can Save Your Family from Chaos. In this Working Mother magazine book, Woolf talks about taking a workplace approach to Mother's Day and running your home.

Her first tip is simple. Tell your family what you want for a change—not just on Mother's Day but the whole year-round. "Enjoy your gifts, sleeping in late, and the general joy that comes with receiving thanks from your family, but then take a little time to lay down the law," says Woolf. "Explain to your family that to be the best mom you can be you need a little help from them. See if you can't elicit a Mother's Day promise from everyone about one thing they can improve on—maybe your son promises to make the garbage his responsibility or your daughter promises to keep a tidier room. And then use the week following Mother's Day to turn those promises into habits," she says. I like the way this lady thinks!

Next, take time to relax and rejuvenate. It makes you a better mom. It's impossible to remain purposeful and creative when the relentless pressure of responsibility zaps all your energy. Everybody needs a vacation sometime, and moms are no different. Use Mother's Day as the starting point to start a new ritual for yourself.

This Mother's Day let go of that negative energy and reaffirm to yourself that you're doing just fine. Use tomorrow to start new routines and to get your family on board with new responsibilities that will make your life easier for the rest of the year. And remember, doing your personal best is all we can give our children. At the end of the day, our kids are doing just fine too. If not, then, as I tell my kids, that's why God made therapy. LOL!

Check out more great tips from the Mom-in-Chief book here!

Tomorrow, I'm asking my kids to keep their rooms tidier without my prompting, er, nagging. What are you asking for this Mother's Day? Tell me here...

In motherhood,
Kimberly

I'm Sorry. But It's a Black Mother Thing You Will Never Understand

2009-04-18T23:58:00.005-04:00

A little over a week ago, I started blogging for Momlogic.com and my first post about black mothers caused a stir that has yet to settle. A few white women were a little upset. A few news organziations published it (see below). I, however, thought I was simply stating the obvious and saying something I have said here before and we've discussed many times before. In a nutshell, I said black mothers don't get the same respect as white mothers. We know this. We know our babies aren't valued the same. We know our perspective is often missing from what I call the "mommy conversation" in this country. And we know that when a major network creates a new sitcom about motherhood, you can bet there won't be one chardonnay-sipping sister in the bunch. (as if we too don't like our special cups!)

But when I said this to the very mainstream audience of MomLogic, I caused a bit o f a fuss. White women accused me of playing the race card. One told me to "get over it," and another said, we have Michelle Obama so we should be happy!

Here are one or two more of my favorite snippets:
"this article is so not necessary because it perpetuates a scenario that really only exists in the black woman's mind. Move on, you're a mom, you have more important things to worry about."
- Anonymous

"Why does everything have to be about race?Just because you are black, doesn't mean you can complain about everything. Movies about the first black football team..then swim team..then track stars, whats next?What is this obsession with black culture? Yes your ancestors were abused and enslaved, but its OVER! Let it go! And stop acting so self-righteous.
- Indignant Daughter

Click here to read all 59 and counting comments when you're done hearing me out.

Needless to say I was hot! Hot like fi-yah!! But then I realized that this is exactly why I have so much work to do. This is exactly why I get up every morning and continue to try to make Mocha Manual the best site that serves us and bring our parenting perspective to the world. Nobody understands us better. And so in that post (which was picked up the Afro American newspaper and The Liberator magazine), I wrote earnestly that I was putting the world on notice that we expect to heard.

Today, I am also all putting all of my sister black mothers on notice that I am ride or die on this mission. Stay tuned!

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Black Mothers Face the Biggest Challenge in Child Safety; A Little Help from SafetyMom

2009-03-24T11:30:00.011-04:00

When it comes to keeping our kids safe, Black mothers have the biggest challenge out there. I'm not just talking about defective toys. As Black parents we have to keep our children safe from a dilapidated educational system, racial profiling, environmental racism, systemic bias and a whole host of things the FDA will never, ever recall.

PLUS, we also have to keep our eye on the other stuff, like BPA-free plastics, toxins in our baby products, preventing accidents in our homes and more. In fact, the recent tragic death of actress and mom Natasha Richardson has sparked a new debate on the safety of ski helmets or helmets in general--another safety issue to explore. As a mom, safety is everywhere.

That's why I love my new friend Alison Rhodes aka the Safety Mom. Alison is all about keeping our kids safe, be it from dangerous toys or dangerous neighbors and has been featured on every national media show there is! We met for coffee last week in midtown Manhattan, and had a great time discovering our similarities as moms, divorcing women, and entrepreneurs with a passion for mommyhood.

After losing a baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), Alison also now advocates fervently on this issue. Black babies are 2.5 times more likely to die from SIDS than white infants, so I'm personally grateful for Alison's work on behalf of all children. (Check out my recent blog on SIDS in our community.)

All in all, I'm really looking forward to getting to know Alison better and I hope you will to. Check out her great articles and posts at www.safetymom.com

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Black Marriage Day 2009: Words from a Twice Divorced Black Woman

2009-03-20T16:00:00.009-04:00

Black Marriage Day is Sunday, March 22nd.

And as a participating member of two failed black marriages, you're probably wondering what I have to say about this matter. Me too...Well, first of all I'm still a staunch believer in the beauty and power of marriage. Between the right people, it can be one of the most powerful and fulfilling bonds between a man and a woman. I love that.

This weekend, my childhood friends Elgin and Raquel Coleman are celebrating their 16-year wedding anniversary with a Karaoke night at a favorite haunt. And as someone who went to kindergarten with Elgin and wore my purple velvet bridesmaid dress with matching shoes with fierce pride in their wedding, you best believe I'll be rolling through to raise a champagne glass (or two) to their success. After that I'm expecting a raucous karaoke night that we will all blame on the a-a-a-a-akahol!!

But my strongest testimony to Black Marriage are my own parents, James and Alma Seals who will be celebrating their 50th anniversary this May. If there's anything that I learned from my parents is commitment. That may sound odd from a two-time divorcee but in each situation I was always willing to do the work, get the help and have the tough conversations to make it right. Not everyone is built for that. My parents were team players and even during the typical mother-daughter drama of my teenage years, my father always made it very clear to my sister and I that Alma was the woman of the house and not to be disrespected. I loved my father for always protecting his wife, having her back.

My parents made our family their focal point, not themselves. That's hard to find in our me, me, me-disposable society where people often want instant gratification and are unwilling to ride out the rough patches. I hope on more Black couples commit to riding out the bumps and preserving our families.

So on Black Marriage Day I want give a shout out to a few of my married friends: Devin and Dena Johnson (check out their blog.blackloveisalive; and their new baby blog djsqauredandthefamily) Schalawn and Robert Warren, Alexis and Daryl Williams, Eric and Nadja Payne, and to my newly engaged girlfriend Sherese Shepard and her fiance Tim.

I leave you all with the strongest words ever for Black Marriage Day from the Creator and originator of the marital union: "And a threefold cord cannot be quickly torn in two," Ecclesiastes 4:12.

Amen to that.

In motherhood,

Kimberly

Harlem On My Mind: A Young Black Boy's Blues; A Black Mother Laments

2009-03-17T10:43:00.005-04:00

The other day I was up in Harlem after a great book event at Hue-Man bookstore, taking in the vibes, the street and the scene that is quintessential Harlem U.S.A.

As I walking up Adam Clayton Powell Blvd, I heard and saw a young boy, about 10 years old, being scolded by his father. Like most kids, it seemed like his father was telling him to do something he didn't want to do. The father was yelling at his son, and it became more intense. The rest of the conversation--voices elevated, passersby watching--went something like this:

Young Black Boy: " I wish I could kill myself." (repeat, repeat, repeat)

Father: "Oh yeah, what good would that do?"

Young Black Boy: "At least I could be in heaven, and I wouldn't have to be around you. "

Kimberly stops in tracks. I couldn't move. The father continued to yell at the boy, while the mother stood by quietly holding on to the baby stroller.

Now I know emotional blackmail when I hear it, but I could see this boy's pain in his face and in his body language. It was one of those moments when my mommy instinct told me to run over there, hug that boy and tell him millions of moms are rooting for him and his success and that this life here on earth can be beautiful and peaceful and full of possibilities. And that, even when it isn't, you don't ever give up.

I wanted to give his mother an understanding and empathetic look, like, "I know, sis, it ain't easy," and share some of my own struggles. But I knew none of these options were allowed.

I knew that our "village" mentality has long disappeared and that I needed to mind my own business, stop standing on the corner acting as if I was lost (when I was really engaged in the drama) and keep it moving to my car.

I drove off very sad that day. I was sad to hear that beautiful young boy declare that he thought death could be better than his life, I was sad to know that at a time, when we need other mothers, Aunties, grandmothers and sometimes well-meaning strangers more than ever before to help raise powerful and productive Black children, that we have had rid ourselves of these traditions. To our own detriment, I think.

But I was even more upset with myself. I felt I should have said something, done something anything, despite the consequences. I even dreamed about it last night. I wonder, if we can start showing Black mothers that we care, understand and support each other, can we bring "the village" back? If we rewrite the rules for what actually defines "my own business," and say every Black child is connected and if yours fails, mine fails so therefore, by some very basic rules of logic and humanity, it is indeed very much "my business," can we bring it back?

Can we????

Kimberly

Dog-gone It, My Kids are Responsible!; When a Mom Hopes for Failure

2009-03-06T17:31:00.003-05:00

I've got to admit. I'm not a dog person.
This week my brother asked me to dog-sit his cute dog while he went on a "business" trip. (He dropped the dog and food off Sunday and we haven't heard from him since.) Of course, my kids saw this as a great opportunity to test the "pet" waters. Like most kids, they've been asking for a dog and I've been telling them I don't want another being to take care of. They aren't ready for the responsibility, I say. Then I send them to my brother's house to play with his dog.

All the plants in my house are near death, for crying out loud, so I'm just trying to keep the kids alive and kickin'. Pets beyond fish (been there, killed those) are not on the agenda. I was hoping my children would see the hard work of puppyhood and run speedily in the other direction. Instead, Kayla and Michael have gotten up early dutifully every morning to feed and walk RJ--putting coats over PJs, hats over headscarves to take care of this dog. And we're still stuck in snow! They've gone out at night and refilled his water bowl twice a day. And besides for a few spills of the dog food, they've been model caretakers. Darn!

There's nothing worse than a mommy proved wrong. Well, except maybe a mommy who was was hoping for her kids to screw up. Call me what you want, but now I need some new reasons for my no-pet policy.
Btw, "because I said so" is quickly rising to the top of the list.

Any suggestions?

Kimberly

When A Man "Sweats" A Woman. Why I Love Eric Payne

2009-03-04T15:06:00.006-05:00

Recently, my girlfriend and I were lamenting the good ole days when a man wanted you and wasn't afraid to show it. Before the posturing, playing games, "The Rules" and everyone acting too cool to care, brothers would "sweat" a sister.

And hard.

Maybe we brought this new sad state of affairs on ourselves, with one "brother please" head roll or Vulkan death stare too many, but I sure miss those days. That's why I love our new Blogfather, Eric Payne.

Eric is smart, handsome and writes a hell of a post at makesmewannaholler.com and now for Mocha Manual but he also never misses an opportunity to talk about how much he loves his wife. How fine she is. How she rocked his world. And how he was not going to let his preconceived biases about dating a woman with a child allow him to lose her. I feel that.

His wife, Nadja is indeed beautiful inside and out. But what's equally striking is Eric's candid insights on becoming a dad before a husband and taking on responsibility of fathering another man's child. His willingness to open up and share his vulnerabilities, insights and strengths at a time when Black fatherhood is in need of more powerful voices.

Lately, I've been starting to feel that those kind of black men are an extinct species. Only to be found in the Museum of Unnatural History. So I'm thankful to Eric for proving me wrong.

Check out Eric's latest fatherhood post and pictures of his beautiful wife here. And ladies if you've got a man who still sweats you, please y'all, say thank you. It's so easy to let life and the bills and the kids crowd these things out. Better yet send a few beads of perspiration his way too.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Three Black Missing Kids: Where's Nancy Grace & Geraldo?

2009-02-27T10:15:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I really have a problem with the media. Even though, technically, I've spent the past sixteen plus years working in the media, being supported by the media and working every media perk I could get my little hands on--the truth is,there are plenty of areas where the media needs help.

One area is the coverage of missing kids who are Black. Somehow missing African American children are rarely deemed Nancy Grace worthy. Perhaps black children aren't "cute" enough for broadcast television or maybe it's that one less black child is not missed, not held in the same value. Either way, Geraldo doesn't seem to show up in our neighborhoods with his probing questions and tell-all cameras.

Please have a look at three beautiful brown children who disappeared last month with little or no media attention. I've featured them this week on MochaManual.com along with a story on how to abduction proof your home.

Meet Adji Desir, an adorable 6 year old boy with bright eyes and a developmental disability that leaves him with a limited vocabulary and the mind of a 2-year old. He disappeared from the front yard of his grandmother's home in Farm Worker Village in Immokalee, Florida on Jan 10th while playing outside with friends. (Please see our safety tip on only allowing children to play unattended in the backyard not front yard.) I can only imagine how petrified Adji must have been after he wandered off or was taken. And my heart goes out to his parents and family.

Adji Desir will reportedly be featured on America's Most Wanted this weekend, Feb 28th on a segment on missing kids across the country.

After that, please check me out on CNN/D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, Sat at 10:00 p.m.

What can we do to keep our children safer and get the word out about our missing children? I need your ideas.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Me? A Control Freak--A "Wasband" Confession

2009-02-17T09:08:00.008-05:00

First, I'd like to start off by giving a shout-out to all the Fathers with visitation or joint custody who drop off and pick up their kids on time! Single moms need their break!

Now about me. Since joining the divorce rolls and the world of the "werewifes" and "wasbands," I've been learning a lot about myself. Some it it, ain't pretty. Lately, I caught another glimpse into my personality and I thank one of our new Dad columnists for helping me see the light.

Confession time: I have a thing. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing, but it's a thing. First, a little background. Sometimes the regular visitation schedule for the children derails or becomes slightly inconsistent--either we don't hear from Mr. Ex or the kids have parties or we travel and get off schedule. Whenever we hit a hiccup, and I'm not sure if this is or is not his weekend or a makeup weekend, I only ask (as do the court documents governing the arrangement) that Mr. Ex text me Thursday or Friday before the weekend to let me know what time he will pick up the children. This way I know what's up for the weekend so I can plan accordingly.

Because there have been inconsistencies, I like to make plans to keep the kids distracted and busy if he doesn't show up.

Okay, so back to my thing. Lately, the wasband has taken to not giving me the prior heads up, even a text confirmation, instead calling on the actual Saturday at noonish (as we're dressed or getting ready to get on with our plans) to say, "I'll be there in an hour." I find this totally unacceptable. Usually, I've already arranged a play date or other activity.

And even if not, am I wrong for expecting him to confirm the pick-up within a reasonable time before hand?

I don't think so. And after giving in several times and dropping my plans for the kids often with lost money in tickets purchased or embarassing last-minute calls to cancel playdates, last week I said No. You need to call the night or day before and respect my time. The children and I went about our day.

Then I felt a terrible twinge of guilt. The guilt intensified when Greg emailed his submission for his first column for our new BlogFathers section. Was I playing the M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction) control game he describes in his column?

Was I denying my children time with their father because he refused to do things my way? I have always prided myself on keeping the children out of the divorce mess, and like I said, have usually given in to his last minute calls.

Read Greg's column and let me know what you think.
Was I wrong? Don't worry, I can take it.
By the way, the following week I received a pick up confirmation call on Friday. Victory or personal defeat?

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Broodiness and Breasts. Yes! There is a Connection.

2009-02-11T07:49:00.004-05:00

I have a confession to make: I'm feeling broody. And it's not your typical 'holding a cute baby' type of broodiness. This one is kind of well, weird. Hear me out. Last week, when I was privileged to attend the Kellogg Foundation's Improving Birth Outcomes roundtable, a picture of a breastfeeding mom flashed on the screen during a presentation and I had a odd tingle. Of course, I brushed it off as jetlag (yes, I know there is no jet lag for a flight from New York to Detroit, but please help a sister out!). Then, as I was preparing images for our new breastfeeding campaign and spectacular nursing lingerie giveaway with Bravado Designs , that tingle keep coming back. Resistance is futile. The truth is, I absolutely loved breastfeeding. I loved the bonding. I loved the tingling sensation of let down. I loved the powerful feeling of knowing that I had everything I needed to give my baby the best nutrition and healthiest start in life right there in my two jugs. And as a woman, who was never too fully endowed in the first place...I was always the one quoting, "more than a mouthful is a waste anyway," to justify my small jugs...it was awesome to feel so empowered by breastfeeding. As I watch my children grow up and more independent, I miss those days of closeness and spending time connecting while nursing.

That's why I am so, so excited to offer our special promotion this month with Bravado Designs and our new column by Kathi Barber, founder of the African American Breastfeeding Alliance. As you may know, the rates of breastfeeding among Black women are very low. I hope you all look at the campaign and MochaManual's new breastfeeding column for moms as a way to help ourselves and others recognize the beauty of breastfeeding. Help us remember that breastfeeding reduces the mothers' rates for breast cancer and other cancers--so it's great for US too!

And most importantly, as I always say, I hope that we start a new conversation about breastfeeding as Black mothers where we support each other, encourage each other and recognize the beauty in each other as we give our babies the very best while benefitting ourselves in the process.

Do you have fond memories of breastfeeding? Please share them with me here for an upcoming story. I'd love to hear from you. Also please click here to enter to win (or enter a breastfeeding friend) some fabulous nursing lingerie every week from Bravado Designs. And click here to read Kathi Barber's new column. And please tell a friend.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Remembering My Cousin Carol's Daughter at the Kellogg Foundation Roundtable in Detroit

2009-01-28T23:47:00.005-05:00

I'm in a Detroit hotel room. Besides for enjoying a rare night of uninterrupted sleep without the kiddies, I was invited here by the Kellogg Foundation to participate in a national roundtable discussion on improving birth outcomes. There are many national experts here and I am honored to be representing Mocha Manual moms and our perspective in this critical issue. But traveling here (through multiple delays due to east coast snow storms) with this weighty issue on my mind, brought back a personal memory I'd nearly forgotten.

When I was a young girl I remember going to a funeral with my family. After the trip to Brooklyn and walking into the funeral home I distinctly recall a particularly strange vibe in the room. As I entered the chapel I remember seeing a very small closed coffin at the front and wondering how it was possible for someone so small to die. It never dawned on me at the time that babies die. I saw my tall, thin, dark skinned cousin Carol, sobbing uncontrollably with my aunt. Later, when she was talking with my parents after the service her face looked more shamed than sad, more confused than grief-stricken, and I was left wondering. And as it often is in our communities, nobody talked about why her baby died. Nobody answered my questions (I was a vigorous question asker from a very young age) and my parents, who typically obliged my inquisitiveness, simply kept repeating, “I don’t know.”

Years later, as I began my dive into understanding our journey in motherhood and how our babies fare as they start life in this world, I’ve thought a lot about Carol and what could have happened to her baby girl. I will think about her as I participate in the Kellogg Foundation's workgroup today. I'll remember the family silence over the baby’s passing and ask why that continues. Perhaps talking about it could help change us reverse course. I’ve lamented that I lost a little cousin who never got to experience our family reunions, New Year’s Day dinners, and our family version of the Electric Slide (which I call “The Electrocuted!!”) and a young black girl who could have made a major contribution to the world. Even a world of one.

Earlier this week, there was a story in the Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/25/AR2009012502641.html?wpisrc=newsletter highlighting a new report published today in the journal Pediatrics http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/123/2/533 showing that once again our infant risks of death are nearly three times that of the general population. This time the cause is accidental suffocation and strangulation—the kind that comes when a sleeping parent rolls on top of a baby, a pillow falls on an infant's face, a blanket gets wrapped around the child's neck or when the baby gets wedged between a mattress and a wall. The study by a CDC researcher showed that infant black boys were the most vulnerable.

Just like SIDS, these kinds of tragedies are preventable. We have to alert our sisters and caregivers about safe sleeping. This is especially true of our mothers, grandmothers and older caregivers—whom we may rely on for much-needed help, who have an old school mentality that putting a baby to sleep on her stomach makes her sleep longer or stay full longer. I know my grandmother told me that many times. Being modern moms means helping to educate those older than us and those younger than us so we can break the tide. Please join me in doing our part.

Please check out story on safe sleeping, SIDS and the new report from the CDC. http://mochamanual.com/mochamanual/index.php?/Baby-s-First-Year/Take-Back-our-Babies.html

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Daily News, Deadlines, and D.C.--No dress yet for the ball but here I come...

2009-01-16T20:17:00.011-05:00

It's been a roller coaster week. With just 4 days and counting to the release of my next book, The Mocha Manual to Turning Your Passion into Profit, let's just say things have been a bit hectic. Today there was a great profile on me, Mocha Manual, and the new book, (check it out here) http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/columnists/richardson/index.html in the New York Daily News and it's been a busy week of meetings, interviews, appointments and generally getting stuff done. I even got tickets to an inaugural ball hosted by Concerned Black Men and Delta Sigma Theta (yippee!!) But through it all, I was feeling a bit...overwhelmed. I did not want to get out of bed so early this morning, and my usual 1-2 knock-out punch approach to the day had somehow lost its swagger. I was on the ropes. My typical highly tuned performance looked more like Britney opening up the MTV awards. So I had to do a little something to put the pep in my step. So I started checking out some friends, old and new.
My new friend, Tammie Reed, runs Talking with Tami television show out of Atlanta and is doing all sorts of fabulous things. Her energy was infectious. By the time, I got off the phone I was feeling amped. Tammi must have been too, cuz by the time I blinked after our phone call she had posted this boom banging post. http://talkingwithtami.wordpress.com/ Dang, those TV folks are fast...
Then my friend Lucinda Cross from UltimateVA Support called http://ultimatevasupport.com/. Lucinda has an top-notch team of virtual assistants and they and Lucinda herself have saved me on more than one occasion with much-needed administrative and marketing help. I love a good savior, especially when she knows power-point!

Being surrounded by all these people rooting for me, congratulating me (past and present) and sharing their good vibes really picked me up. To top it off, I chatted with my girl, Joyce Davis in Atlanta, who blogs at http://www.enjoyceinglife.blogspot.com/ as we created our attack and survival plan for meeting up this weekend in D.C. And it dawned on me that OMG! I don't have a thing to wear to the ball...
The last gala-ready dress I wore was a few weeks after Michael was born and I am soo sooo happy to say that the dress is way too big! Yippee! So y'all know what tomorrow is...Shop till you drop.
But be sure to check back...I'll be keeping you updated, posting video clips and tweeting on Twitter with all my moves during inauguration weekend. KA in DC. I can't wait!

The Most Innocent Victims of the Detroit Scandal: Beatty's Two Young Girls

2009-01-08T14:49:00.011-05:00

What makes a mother forget she's a mother?

I couldn't help but watch the images Christine Beatty, the former aide of
disgraced mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, as she was quietly ushered from the courtroom to the
county jail earlier this week to serve her 120 day stint for lying about her affair.

I feel mostly for her two young daughters, aged 8 and 10, who will be without their mother for several months. Beatty divorced in 2006. The last thing we need is another black woman, particularly a mother, in jail. As a mother, and now a single mother, who values everyday with my little ones, I can't imagine what forces would compel me to do something so dangerous that it would put my children in jeopardy of losing me for any extended period. Maybe we'll never know what overtook Christine's good judgment to go along with a stupid plan to deceive. We've all done something silly in the name of love, lust or an unhealthy attraction to power, but we moms can't completely lose all the good sense God gave us. One thing that has become abundantly clear to me as I've been going through my divorce, is that as the custodial parent of my two children, the stakes just got so much higher. Even with a liberal visitation agreement like my "wasband" enjoys, at the end of the day, the buck really stops with me. My health is all the more important. My mental well-being is all the more important. My being "present" every day is all the more important. My level-headedness, even in the face of a storm, is critically important. Single mothers don't have the luxury of the type of bad decisions that could make you lose your children, your financial future and your freedom. And while the Kilpatrick political scandal was so grand with sadness and irony and unbounded possibilities snuffed before their time, it is the two young girls who woke up feeling mother-less this morning and yet again tomorrow morning, that I feel so deeply for. Tell me your thoughts. In motherhood, Kimberly

2008-12-15T16:22:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, at the tender age of 4 years and 9 months, my son lost his first tooth. It had been wobbly for weeks but I was in serious denial that this would happen so soon. I mean, losing teeth!! And it was how it happened too. He was on the sofa watching me cook dinner in the kitchen. Then he just walked up to me, with that cool as a fan, Barack-ness and handed me a tooth. Bloody mouth and all. I did my bad impersonation of not being shook and scrambled for cups, rinsing agents and gauze. When all was clean, he showed big Sis the hole and went back to chillin'. I, on the other hand, am still reeling. And, reflecting. Parenting is the joy of witnessing milestones. My lil man is closer to being just that...I'm just going to let that marinade for a minute.

Racism: The Ugly Truth About Black Maternal Health

2008-12-02T14:49:00.011-05:00

Racism is a baby killer. This may sound harsh, but unfortunately it's one of the sobering truths behind our poor birth outcomes and high infant mortality and pregnancy mortality rates. As you may know, according to the CDC, Black women are 3.7 times more likely to die during pregnancy than a white woman and six times more likely to do so in urban areas like New York City and Washington D.C. We are also twice as likely as other women to deliver premature or underweight babies--these deplorable stats aren't new. But what is painfully true is that neither education or class protects us from these outcomes. Unfortunately, this isn't new either--this set of data was my inspiration for writing The Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy.

In fact, studies of college-educated Black women by the Rollins School of Public Health at Emory University, the CDC's 19-member Infant Mortality Commission, and others say that our problems with low-birthweight and premature birth, are more about racism and the stresses of our existence as Black women than just poor medical care. This message is getting lost in the sauce of stereotypes of Black women as poor and not getting prenatal health care. The problem is much deeper.

A few weeks ago, I was honored to attend a conference hosted by Women's eNews and their African-American Maternal Health Project. The presentations made about the role of race in health disparities and birth outcomes was pretty damn depressing.

Not only does racism affect our quality of care, but the stressors of our day-to-day existence has a "weathering" effect that ages our bodies. Camara Phyllis Jones, M.D, MPH, PhD, Research Director on Social Determinants of Health at the CDC --a truly fierce sister who should be our next Surgeon General if you ask me, led an amazing presentation on her work on the implications of race in health disparities. Dr. Jones showed how this "weathering" effect or accelerated aging was evident nearly across the board in African Americans from pregnancy to hypertension. That is, the average 30-something Black man has high blood pressure rates comparable to a 50 or 60 year old white man.

An upcoming release of Dr. Jones' work will show that even our perceived race by others (i.e. Black but look white or Latino but look white to others) can produce better health outcomes. Wow! Talk about white privilege!

I can't help but think of my friend Karen, who was put on a bedrest during her pregnancy and was receiving regular phone call check-ins from a nurse service. Karen always spoke highly of the nurse and the care she was receiving. Due to pregnancy complications, Karen was going to have a C-section and expressed her concerns about this to the nurse, plus the general worries most first-time moms face as they get closer to delivery. Now, Karen is the type of sister who has one of those non-descript voices. You know what I mean. As she shared with the nurse, the nurse responded, "Don't worry, our babies do fine." Then added something to the effect of, 'African American babies are a different story.' My friend calmly responded, "I don't know if you've read my chart thoroughly but I'm having an African American baby." Only deafening silence on the phone.

First of all, that woman could have easily lost her job. Secondly, it's sad that our babies are known to die more often and that this tragedy is mentioned casually in phone conversations. What's more frightening is thinking about the level of concern and care medical practitioners really give when they know of our higher risks.

Should Karen actually thank the "white-girl voice" she was teased about for years for helping her get attentive care from the biased nurse?

Do you think Black women are given more care because of our known higher risks or less care because of a "what's the point?" type of sub-conscious thinking... You decide.

And, most importantly, if improving our birth outcomes and saving our babies lives depends on dismantling the racial constructs of the health care and broader system, do our babies even have a real chance? .....

Please let me know your thoughts.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

A Historic Moment for Black Moms

2008-11-06T14:34:00.004-05:00

I don't know what did it for you but I was perfectly content doing my happy dance in my living room on Election night until I saw the image of the Obama family walking out onto the stage of Grant Park. That's when I lost it and the waterworks came swiftly into town. That regal image--which none of us will soon forget--said something and did something so profound that words can't do it justice.

Lately, we've been having a honest and robust conversation in our Mocha Manual Movement emails about the negative stereotypes and misconceptions about Black moms. We've lamented our seeming invisibleness and not being understood as intentional, nurturing mothers who simply want the best for their children. We've debated how we can change our perception and be seen for who we truly are as Black mothers.

Ladies, in the image of our First Family I saw that hope. In Michelle Obama I saw that hope. When she declares that her most important job will be Mommy-in-Chief, gives her man a pound, a hug, and that real 'I-got-your-back'-kiss (not that mechanical crap John McCain liked to pull!), we know that the world won't look at the Black family in the same way ever again.

The world has been forced to see who we really are, and see our children in a new light. When President-elect Obama said Michelle was the "rock of the family" and "his best friend," I got goose bumps. He declared to the world what we've known about our role in our families and communities for generations. He told the world that our relationships are more than baby mama drama.

Years ago, Claire Huxtable was our role model. We glued our eyes to the TV on Thursday nights dreaming about our high-powered career, our brownstone or other dream house, our man that rubbed our feet even though he too had a long day at work. She was the original strong black woman with a professional career, beautiful kids and a successful man who adored her. We looked to fictional characters on the television to remind us that we could have what white women had been enjoying for years. Now, we can look to the White House. Now we can look to our First Family.

This has given me new faith. And just when perhaps our own hope in Black men, the future of Black families, and our ability to "have it all" as women seemed in question, our own faith in ourselves and our dreams is reaffirmed. Our faith in the power and steadfastness of love is reaffirmed. My faith in myself as a Black mother, especially one raising a Black male against incredible odds, is reaffirmed. And it is to that, I said, Yes We Can! And it is to that, I say to all Black mothers, I know we will!

In motherhood,

Kimberly

Bottoms Up Big Bellies!, the FDA, BPA and other Scary-isms

2008-10-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

Talk about trick or treat.

This week a study came out revealing that when the FDA, the biggest drug pushers in the government, tried to tell us a few months ago, that BPA is not harmful to our babies and that all those chemicals in the plastic of our bottles and food storage items won't hurt our little ones at all--had ignored, as it turns out, some pretty blaring evidence. Trick!

Then today a study comes out from across the pond stating that drinking one or two glasses of alcohol per week by pregnant mothers does not increase the risk of behavioural difficulties or cognitive defects. Treat?? Well...I don't think so.

First, on the study from University College in London which says "light drinking"-- one or two glasses of alcohol per week--doesn't have negative effects on the child. I mean it's all pretty vague. Is that two glasses of Patron or two glasses of red wine? Is that two shot glasses or two 8 oz highballs or 16 oz mugs? Hey, I've got a serious alcoholic uncle who swears he only drinks two glasses a day. One man's "light" is another man's heavy. Besides, I think there's a scary push to make pregnancy less of a life changing event and more of a "business as usual" 40-week project.

People don't like change, and the more you tell people that they can have a baby without changing their habits the better...I don't think I like where this is going. Pregnancy is a life altering event. Period.

Secondly, I lived in London for many years, and if there was ever a country where drinking was the national pastime, it's England--don't let those tea and crumpets fool you. They'll drink to anything! So the whole study is suspect as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, I know our moms drank wine during pregnancy, some smoked during pregnancy and the French are still puffing away...but pregnancy is still risky business and it's one of those areas of life (and creating life) where I'm just not willing to roll the dice. Sure, I had a sip or two during pregnancy. Hey, it's stressful. But everybody's metabolism, body weight and tolerance is different. Such blanket generalizations, as in, you can drink any alcohol on any regular basis just don't sit well with me.

Not to mention the previous gazillion studies proving just the opposite.
Don't believe the hype moms-to-be!

Which brings me to the FDA. A few months ago the FDA tried to tell us that we were just hysterical moms with nothing to worry about when it stated that bisphenol A or BPA was actually safe at the levels where it appears in most consumer products. This week, an independent group of scientists said that the FDA's findings ignored key evidence, like underestimating how much BPA is actually ingested over time due to use of several different types of products. That's sounds like a biggie error.

Another government agency, the National Toxicology Program, concluded last month there is "some concern" that BPA alters development of the brain, prostate and behavior in children and fetuses.

The bottom line is, as Black mothers we know better than most, not to solely rely on the government to tell us what's safe. We know how they've done our people. Like all mothers, we have to use common sense and reasonable caution when it comes to avoiding risky behaviors, dangerous products and giving our babies the best chance for a healthy life--our infants already have enough stacked against them.

Click here to read more about the new findings regarding the FDA study: http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2008-10-28-bpa-fda_N.htm

Click here to read the University College of London study on drinking during pregnancy. http://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/news-articles/08010/08103101

In motherhood,
Kimberly

A Call for Powerful Parenting!

2008-10-16T14:39:00.025-04:00

Ladies,

This weekend I had a major mommy breakthrough. Actually, call it, a blaring realization. Let me tell you about it. As you may know, I had the privilege to participate in a panel discussion on parenting with Rev. Run and Justine Simmons and the director of the New York State Fatherhood Alliance at this years WBLS Circle of Sisters event in New York City.

The event was phenomenal. (see great pics below!!)

At the end of the rousing and funny discussion--you should have heard Rev's and Justine countering versions of the story of how they first met!!! we opened up the floor to questions. The lines at the microphones quickly filled up.

There were mothers and fathers frightened for their children and feeling nearly helpless as they battle the rump-shaking, belly-baring music and images, the negative stereotypes amongst our own community that compare educational excellence with selling-out, and the lack of positive male role models for our sons. One mother desperately sought our advice over her 15-year old daughter who was living in and out of homeless shelters with a man more than twice her age. She felt helpless as to how to get her daughter off this destructive course.

One thing is blatantly clear. Black mothers are in the fight of their lives for their children's lives. But we can not lose our power as parents. This is what I told the crowd over the weekend, and I had thoughts of our Mocha Manual movement on my mind. Yes, we may get tired and yes, we will be overwhelmed, but the stakes are too high to slack off or ever give up.

When I look at my 4-year old son, I know that I am raising a black man in a world that is statistically stacked against his success and his very survival. When I look at my 8-year old daughter, I know that I can only protect her for so long and so much before the influences of school and her peers affect her. My BET-ban, and no-belly baring Bratz dolls rules are at odds with what most of her classmates see and do. How do we continue to foster positive self-love and positive images of black women to our daughers when our own culture shows us as scantily-clad booty-shakers???

At the end of the day, we are raising children in difficult times. The last days, if you ask me. Those of us who are wholly committed to raising strong, confident, beautiful Black children face an uphill, though NOT insurmountable battle. The cultural forces are strong, I know, but we can be equally powerful as parents.

We need to be extraordinary women and extraordinary mothers to do what needs to be done for our children. That means we have to be healthy--physically, emotionally and spiritually. We can't win this war with weak armor. We need to be alert to the political and economic climate. Nov. 4th is coming! Y'all know what to do!

We need to be their first and primary role model. We have to make time and communicate with our children--we may not like what we hear, but we need to know what they're thinking and keep the lines of communication open. And our children have to know that we are their biggest cheerleader, champion and sometimes drill sargeant. That we expect greatness and nothing less. And that our love is limitless.

We will not give up on our kids. We will not go down without a fight. We will not give up our power and the privilege of being parents.

Holla if you hear me!!!

In motherhood,

Kimberly

Me & Justine share a moment in the Green Room

The fab panel and our moderator

Ready to work at the Mocha Manual booth!

Nedy wins our lux make-up brush set (as seen on Rachel Ray!) and free consultation from Fariweather Faces (http://www.fairweatherfaces.com/), the wildly popular traveling beauty service. ($500 value)

Tricia wins our fabulous gift set from http://www.newarrivalsinc.com/ featuring hot items from
celebrity nursery stylist Tori Swaim.

The winner of our baby stroller Giveaway sporting her new Mocha Manual maternity tee. Sombeody is about to pop!!

ohh baby, the eye candy at the expo was SWEET! So many six packs, so little time....

I Hear You Loud and Clear! Now What About Our Black Men?

2008-10-01T04:27:00.006-04:00

Okay moms,
You've been sharing your responses to the Mocha Manual Mom Movement. And there are definitely some serious issues for us to take on. Your responses on what is the biggest issue ranged from outrage over the embarassing health care disparities to the problem of quality educational options in our own communities to concern about our black men. I wish I could share all of the responses here--don't worry we'll have new message boards SOON so we can all really share our thoughts. For now, I would love for us to start hearing each other. Nobody us will listen to us, if we don't listen to each other! Here's what some of you said is the biggest issue we face as moms of color:

" The assumption that we lack the ability and intelligence to raise our children to be productive citizens." ---Natasha

"Being respected and seen as people who really do plan pregnancies and have supportive HUSBANDS who are just as excited about becoming parents." ---Quinchela

"The fact that we are NOT being heard."--Denene

"That there are limited perspectives regarding who we are as educated women."--Sharon

"Absent fathers, lack of communication and networking within our community..we need to maintain the "village" philosphy that once lived in our communities." ---Kenyan

"Providing a strong educational foundation for our children and creating positive peer groups (specifically in their teenage years)." --Nikkia

"Adequate support in the first 3 years (prenatal care, maternity/family leave, childcare
options)"--CaShawn

"Fair treatment in the work place. We do not recieve the same considerations that our Caucasian sisters do when it comes to time off for family needs before and after pregnancy." --Lauren

"Single motherhood-juggling it all plus work responsibilities--making the workplace family friendly, helping mamas find and keep work." --Angel

"Affording our children a better education without taking them away from our communities and the people in their "village".--Njeri

"Disparities in health care!"--Lorrie

Do any of these ring true for you? Did you utter an "AMEN!" or two while reading. I know I did as I watched the responses roll in. Please continue to share your thoughts by posting to this blog so others can see it. Our agenda is taking shape. And for this week's question, where do you see black fathers fitting into our movement?? If you're still bitter about not being invited to the Million Man March, don't answer ! (ha!) But, seriously, is this our thang? Or a black family thing? Let me know your thoughts.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

The Black Mom Movement Begins!

2008-09-20T08:04:00.002-04:00

My recent blog on the consistent lack of a black perspective whenever there is a mommy debate in this country, really touched a nerve with our community. The emails are still coming in! And the response is clear: Black mothers are tired of being represented as “breeders” instead of nurturing moms who care about their children. We are tired of being perceived as women who “end up” pregnant and then just deal with it with sucked teeth and rolling necks and therefore not invited to the table to discuss anything that concerns mothers from maternity leave to child care to work-life balance issues. We are tired of the hypocrisy and the double-standard when it comes to family values and the perpetuated stereotypes about black women as mothers and our children.

Many of the black mothers who emailed me said that perhaps because we have become so used to being voiceless, that we just accept it. Or maybe Obama's momentum is lulling us into a some sort of complacency about the real state of race matters in this country. Either way, we need to wake up and bring our issues to the collective table. We are ready to let our voice be heard!

Please join me in starting a black mommy movement! We have an agenda and we want to be heard! Be a part of the conversation. I need your help. First, please tell me what issues and concerns are most important to you. This will help us shape an agenda and action plan. Click here http://http://www.mochamanual.com/Revolutionsignup.html to answer two really, really quick questions, and sign up for the Black Mom Movement email list, so we can discuss what's next for our revolution (After all, it may not be televised! You know how the media can be!!) Then, please tell each and every black mom you know to log on to www.mochamanual.com and do the same. Let's get to one million moms strong!

Please help get the word out that we are Black mothers who matter. Our opinions matter. And our babies matter. Let's do this! I’m waiting to hear from you.

All fired up,
Kimberly

Black Mothers Missing Once Again from Palin Debate

2008-09-03T08:20:00.004-04:00

Whenever there is a mommy issue in this country, be it working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, maternity leave options that aren't from the Dark Ages, or parenting advice, black women are decidedly not in the mix. Lately, as you know, there's been a lot of brouhaha over McCain's vp pick, Sarah Palin. She reportedly went back to work three days (oh lawd!) after giving birth to a special needs baby and now has a pregnant, unwed teenage daughter. Now I won't even get into the fact that if this was Michelle Obama, not even someone actually on the Obama ticket, that it would be bye-bye Barack. That's another blog. Or the strange fact that even with the teenage pregnancy issue very few media outlets have sought out a black voice--you know how they love to come to us on that one. What's most disturbing for me is that while the Palin debate over work/life balance, family values and what makes a "good mother" has easily crossed party lines, it hasn't crossed racial lines. Black women are once again not included in this nation's Mommy conversation. Trust me, I sit here everyday trying to break into the club, and it ain't easy. I see it as my job to bring our voice to that conversation, and many days it feels like a losing battle.

So what's the problem? For one, as I see it, while many white mothers have the luxury to debate the work or not work thing, we are simply too busy working. We don't have time to engage in philosophical wrangling about being a mother, we are just doin' the thang, often juggling single parenthood or our many civic commitments too. And until very recently, black women have not even been afforded an opportunity to choose between staying at home or working. And those relatively few of us who are technically "at home" are still working our tails off--trying to get our side hustles off the ground or giving our all to our businesses.

But more strikingly, I fear that black women are still viewed as breeders not nurturing mothers, women who "end up" mothers and not those who choose and embrace the path of motherhood. Hey, we're too busy rolling our necks, cussin' or smacking up our kids to take part in esoteric conversations about enacting legislation that supports mothers. We aren't seen as the thinkers in this mommy movement, much akin to the views about why black men can't be good quarterbacks. We're just the runners on the field, trying to catch a ball and score our personal touchdown.

Instead of being respected as an important perspective in shaping the future of all mothers in this country, working or not, they'd rather us stay focused on what we should do: make sure our children don't become future criminals, gangsta rappers, dog-fighters, teenage mothers, or welfare recipients. Our hands are full, let's leave the policy making and big picture idea-shaping to someone else.

Heck, we're not even in the research. Last year, I co-authored a book for a west coast non-profit, Giving Notice: Why the Best and Brightest Are Leaving the Workplace, (Josey Bass) and spent an inordinate amount of time studying the research of Sylvia Ann Hewlett, who's done a lot of highly-regarded work on working women using "off ramps" and "on-ramps", that is, choosing to leave their careers to care for family responsibilities and then coming back. As I analyzed the data and studied the anecdotes, it was obvious that it was woefully lacking the black woman's perspective.

The last bit of blame falls on us. We have to speak up. We too want the best for our children, better maternity leave options, and flex-time schedules that aren't career killers. We can learn a little sumthin' from our Caucasian sisters here--if they have an issue they will create a community, live or online, in a minute. They will speak up, they will march, they will be heard. Maybe Hewlett invited a bunch of sisters to a focus group and we didn't show up (too busy trying to pick up the kids and get dinner on the table, I suppose). We can start by viewing our voice as important and demanding to be heard. We can start by rallying together.

Ladies, I'm starting a black mommy movement. And I hope you will join me. Stay tuned.

Kimberly

Nutty Information: What's a Pregnant Woman to Do?

2008-07-24T00:25:00.003-04:00

As Black women, we're used to obsessing over our hair and finding the perfect foundation, but when you're pregnant you worry about every morsel that passes your lips and you stress your nutritional intake on a whole 'notha level. If there's one thing you may have thought was safe during pregnancy, it's a nice, healthy, take-you-back-to-your-childhood, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

But a new report this week by Dutch researchers, found a link between pregnant women who eat nuts or nut products and asthma in their children. The study said these women raised the risk of asthma in their children by 50 percent.

This is particularly interesting for black women, since our children already have alarmingly high rates of asthma anyway. And there's been a lot of debate about what's behind the higher asthma rates in our community.

The good news is, the study also showed that moderate amounts of nutty stuff did not seem to have an effect, meaning it is too soon to say whether pregnant women should give up nuts all together, because they do contain many important nutrients and healthy fats a developing fetus needs.

In their study, more than 4,000 pregnant women completed a dietary questionnaire that asked whether they consumed vegetables, fresh fruit, fish, eggs, milk, milk products, nuts and nut products rarely, regularly or daily. The researchers then assessed the children's diets and looked to see who had developed asthma over an eight-year period. Children whose mothers ate as little as one peanut butter sandwich a day had a far higher risk of asthma.

I'm sure there will be much debate on these findings, and some moms-to-be choose to err on the side of caution rather than risk it, but that's a call for you to make.
What's your opinion on this nutty nugget?

New Stuff for Dads!

2008-06-25T23:32:00.006-04:00

okay everyone,

After years of receiving emails from men asking, "what about me?" and "what about the dads?" I finally, finally have an answer--the new Mocha Man collection, a bunch of fun, expressive tees for Dads and Dads-to-be.
We celebrated our amazing black fathers and the launch of the new collection with our Diapering Dad contest and benefit event in Brooklyn earlier this month. The festivities went down at The Stork Store in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, owned by childbirth educator extraordinaire Stephanie Watson-Campbell. I call Stephanie the "Queen Bee of Babies" and her new store is fabulous (http://www.storkstorenyc.com/).

We had a great range of experience from baby daddys to married dads on our panel discussion on "Redefining Dad" and it was all led by our hostess with the mostess, Shon Gables of the Black Enterprise Business Report on TV One.

Check out some pics from the event and of our new tees for Dads! See some more pics in the phot gallery on the website...Please let me know what you think...

A Call to Action for Black Moms!

2008-03-19T10:43:00.003-04:00

There's been a recent wave of black mothers seriously harming their children, and I'm concerned. Last week, there was this story on CNN http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/12/children.thrown.ap/index.html about a 27 year-old woman who threw her two boys, aged 6 and 8, over a freeway overpass.

A few weeks ago, things hit closer to home for me when Latrice Brewer, a young black mother on Long Island drowned her three children, aged 6, 5, and 18 months, in the bathtub. Then she jumped off the roof of her home. Now she's in jail awaiting trial.
http://www.news12.com/LI/topstories/article?id=208569

I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I'm deeply concerned that black mothers are desperately trapped between keeping up the strong black woman syndrome and our cultural taboos around depression. I can't help but wonder if anyone saw her signs of help and simply said to "pray," or thought she was just in a "funk."

I'm worried that the perceived "sisterhood" among black women is only superficial and doesn't allow for real honesty of how we are really coping or not coping, instead of just keeping up appearances of being strong and doing it all without any help.

We need freedom to say, "I'm hurting," or "I'm overwhelmed," and I'm asking all black women as humans, as fragile beings, with breaking points, and as sisters to keep an eye out for each other and help break through our taboos to have a real conversation, a deeper conversation, a honest conversation...

Please read my full essay at http://www.todaysmama.com/expand-articles.php?view=303 and join in the conversation of saving black mothers.

Kimberly

Robin Roberts, Good Morning America and Fox 5 with Dari Alexander

2008-03-07T22:05:00.013-05:00

Ok ladies, it has been a very busy week here at The Mocha Manual. First, in case you haven't heard our big news the Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy DVD will be on sale in Walmart stores and on walmart.com starting April 12th. You'll be hearing a lot more in the next few weeks...just don't forget moms-to-be on Mother's Day!

Earlier this week I had the privilege and honor of interviewing Robin Roberts, of Good Morning America who has bravely and courageously shared her battle with breast cancer with the world. I applaud her strength and grace and to be in her company was to witness true personal greatness. Robin inspired me to take a long, hard look at my life. She also helped me get some real perspective on what is really a challenge in life. Sometimes you think you're having a tough time and then you see someone who is really having a life challenge, and you think, hey if they can battle that, I know I can beat this... Ladies, this woman is an inspiration!

The next day, I headed over to the Fox 5 Studios in midtown for a taping for Good Day Street Talk hosted by Dari Alexander, who recently had a baby girl. This week's segment, which airs Saturday, March 8th at the butt crack of dawn at 6 a.m. is all about female entrepreneurs and I was honored to be included among the impressive group of women profiled on the show. And that Dari is so cool! We also got to preview the two new Mocha Mama Team maternity tees on the show thanks to three beautiful moms-to-be, Tanesha Barnes, Bobby Bryant, and Jessica Baker-Gordon, who came out to be my models for the segment.

This is me on the set before taping, that is, before my nerves took over and I completely forgot everything I was supposed to say--especially about The Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy DVD coming to Walmart and walmart.com starting April 12th!!!!

These are my diva moms-to-be models. Thanks girls, you really rocked our new Mocha Mama Team tee and the classic Chocolate Bun in the Oven!

Mocha Manual Pay it Forward Month!

2008-02-19T12:06:00.002-05:00

Hello Mocha Manual world! The most amazing thing happened to me yesterday and I just have to tell everyone about it. Well, I was trying to be cute by switching up my handbag, which of course, leaves you at a high risk for the curse of leaving something behind in the previous bag. That is exactly what happened! This time the forgotten item was.... my wallet!

So there I was at Mickey D's to treat Kayla for an excellent report card and two happy meals and I salad order later I realized I had no money! No stash of cash in my back jean pocket, no lonely bills in my car tray--not a thing. All I had was a Mocha Manual book promo card and unfortunately those are not yet accepted as currency at major restaurant outlets (give me two more years ladies, I'm working on that!).

Just when I had exhausted all of my apologies to the teenager who had summoned up our meals and told the kids we needed to go back home and get my wallet, a woman on the next aisle offered to pay for me. Of course, I refused repeatedly thanking her for her kindness, but offering a prideful no-thanks. I mean it wasn't a dollar menu item, it was nearly 15 bucks! But she insisted. The mom of two said she had been in my situation many times and knows what its like to try to change your purse and end up money-less at the fast food counter. And with Michael saying, "I'm hungry mommy, I'm hungry mommy" as if he hadn't had a meal since the last food truck rolled through town, I finally capitulated. I happened to find my checkbook in the bottom of the cute purse and offered her a check. She refused.

In the end, we came to an agreement, that I would remember her kindness and simply pay it forward the next time I saw a mother in a pinch. So that is my promise and I'm asking you all to share in random acts of kindness to other moms. We're a group in need of lots of support and mommy support can come from loved ones and total strangers. That very nice lady saved me that day and I hope to return the favor.

I started today. I was working on my laptop for a few hours at a local coffee shop when a mother with two little ones brought them in for lunch. They sat next to me for some time. After a rowdy lunch full of threats and ultimatums, she needed to go to the bathroom. As she prepared to pack up kids, bags, toys and other stuff just to take a pee, I offered to watch the kids while she went potty. Having sat next to me for a nearly an hour we had already exchanged peek a boo glances and smiles. I loaded up a kid-friendly website on my laptop for them and mommy took a kid-free bathroom break. It wasn't 15 dollars, but I know that a chance to go to the bathroom alone for a busy mom is priceless. And I felt like a million bucks!!!

More acts to follow...C'mon join in...

Have you made a random act of mommy kindness lately? Please tell me about it and we'll start posting stories on the website.

Lessons from D.C. Mothers' Alleged Murder of Her Four Girls

2008-01-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

Ladies. Mothers. Black women!! This is one of those times when I wish my keyboard could shout from the rooftops. When I wish my words could appear in neon lights across the sky in Batman signal fashion. For the past few days, I just can't stop thinking about the recent news story where a black mother from Washington D.C. allegedly killed her four daughters, later claiming they were "possessed." If you haven't heard about this tragedy, please click here. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22623296. When I look into those faces as a mother, I see four beautiful girls full of promise, life and hope. When I look at those faces as a black woman I see four future leaders, mentors, entrepreneurs, or corporate executives lost! Either way, we have lost and failed each other as black women and mothers.

One of my biggest concerns is that we as a people don't take mental illness seriously. We may call it a "funk," the blues, or she has "issues." But today I'm imploring all of you to be your sister's keeper when it comes to her mental health. Motherhood is tough. Recently, the mother in question in D.C., Banita Jacks, has lost her partner to cancer. She was isolating herself from family members. The school psychologist made repeated calls because one of the daughters was not attending school. These are all signs.

As a result, investigators say the bodies of the girls were there decomposing for months, only discovered when the authorities showed up to evict Jacks. This is a community tragedy. When you have a friend who tells you they are fine but you know they aren't, please don't leave them to it. When you have a fellow mom who seems to be struggling (you know the signs!) or becoming reclusive please don't say its none of your business. And when your child tells you about another child at school, at church or in dance class that has discussed problems at home, do not turn a blind ear. You may not have to ring the doorbell yourself, but perhaps you can tell a school official or a church leader. Make an anonymous call to social services. Send an email.

On New Year's Eve, I was at the Chris Rock show at Madison Square Garden (Jill Scott opened. Fab-u-lous show!!!) but he cracked jokes about how quickly they take white folks kids. He used Britney Spears as an example, saying she had a bad night at work (the MTV performance) and they took her kids. In comparison, black children are often left with even the most unfit of caretakers. Unfortunately, the reality is not so funny. Too many times, the lives of our black children are not as valued. In the DC case, 8 people were fired for not doing their jobs properly. Only that one dedicated school staff member kept tabs on those children. Only one person persisted in trying to get them help. Everyone else had put them on the back files.

Ladies, we have to be responsible for each other and our babies. We cannot depend on understaffed, underfunded government agencies staffed by people with their own biases to take care of our children. If you know someone who is struggling, overly stressed out, showing signs of depression, or even acting differently--do not shrug it off. Do not do nothing. Please say something. Please do something. You may save a life. Or four.

In motherhood,
Kimberly

Happy New Year! Happy New You

2008-01-20T19:48:00.000-05:00

(from Jan. 8, 2008)

Ladies!!!

I am so sorry that I've been neglectful on the blog. I have been super busy writing my next book and I am very happy to report that I've finally completed the next Mocha Manual. Yippee! That means that I'm accepting congratulatory drinks and dinner offers from anyone and everyone, so please, come on with it! I must admit, it was really an intense experience and I definitely felt like I was birthing a 12 pd baby. Speaking of which, in case you're wondering, my next Mocha Manual is not about parenting per se. My first book helped you birth your real baby, but the next Mocha Manual is about birthing that other baby---your business. So all you moms out there who are aspiring or part-time entrepreneurs, the next Mocha Manual is for you!

Now for all my black moms to be out there! Please keep checking back, because we have a lot of new stuff coming up for the new year. And this is the year that I ask all of you to tell me what you want to see more of on the site. More importantly, I want all moms to make 2008 our year--a year of achieving our goals, letting go of baggage, feeling fit and fabulous and living our best life!

That's my mission for 08 ladies. Holla if you're with me.

Eating Fish and Pregnancy

2008-01-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

(from Oct. 8, 2007)

Pregnancy can be a time of joy, discovery and...straight up confusion. One of the biggest areas of confusion is around what to eat and what not to eat during pregnancy. And the debate about fish tops the list. To add further mayhem to the which-way-is-up-ness, a Washington Post article this week http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/03/AR2007100301278.html?hpid%3Dmoreheadlines&sub=new reported that a group of top scientists are now advising pregnant and breast-feeding women to eat At LEAST 12 ounces of fish and seafood each week to make sure their baby's brain development stays on track. This goes against previous FDA recommendations in 2001 and 2004 that pregnant and breast-feeding women have NO MORE THAN 12 ounces of fish and seafood per week because of fears about mercury contamination.

What's a pregnant woman to do? Well, for one, sign up for our online seminar, Healthy Pregnancy 101, where you can ask these questions and get a second or third opinion from an expert doctor--Dr. Andrea Price Rutty, a practicing Ob.Gyn with New Jersey's Women's Health Alliance. The seminar will discuss the safe and unsafe foods of pregnancy, along with other key topics that every black woman needs to know, and give you a chance to ask questions.

Everyone who registers receive a FREE GIFT: 10 Mocha Manual baby shower invitations, PLUS you'll be entered to win the must-have maternity dress, The Versatile Dress by POUCH--a luxurious dress that can be worn five different ways including a skirt!

Now that I've got that plug out of the way, pregnant women should keep in mind that omega 3 fatty acids are key nutrients for the brain and nervous system. The National Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition, which say its best to choose ocean fish like salmon and tuna and sardines. Either way, its an important matter that merits plenty of research and a lot of question-asking for every pregnant woman.

What are your thoughts on the great fish debate?

Kimberly Konfessions: Body Part Breakdown

2008-01-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

(from Sept. 30, 2007)

I consider myself a very enlightened parent. We, at The Mocha Manual Co., take mommyhood very seriously. I’m very conscious of my childrens' psychological and emotional development, I try to stay abreast of the latest ideas on how children think and learn, and I try to be fun and approachable.

However, recently I was confronted with a rather awkward challenge to my self-perceptions. This particular challenge involves my three year old’s knowledge and use of proper names for certain body parts. I’m just going to put it out there. Up until about three months ago, Michael had a name for his private part and it was Lala. We have no idea where Lala came from, when Lala was created, but I knew what he was talking about, the nanny knew what he was talking about and Michael knew what he was talking about.

All was good in Lala Land, until one day a well-meaning male friend, also a father whose parenting skills I admire, said I had no business allowing my son to walk around calling his penis a Lala. Well, at first I told him to mind his own business and go back to his own house.

But then I felt bad. Was I wrong for not teaching the proper name for that particular body part and letting him continue with his baby talk? Did this mean I had issues with talking to my children about the human body—undisputably God’s most amazing creation? Was I not as progressive as I thought myself to be?

I should also mention that Michael referred to my breasts as Lulus, but that’s another blog.

So, I gave in. The next time Michael referred to his Lala, I corrected him and told him it had a different name. Then I went one step further and told him that the things next to his Lala are not balloons, as he calls them.

Ladies, let me tell you, this is my biggest parenting regret to date. Children armed with knowledge are dangerous little creatures. Episode one began at Target. I went in to pick up a few school supplies however Michael went inside to share his new knowledge.

“Do you have tes-ti-tles?”

“Would you like to see my penis?” he asked every shopper in ear shot.

Now if he would’ve said Lala, this would’ve been a completely different scene. But imagine the patrons of my Long Island white suburban Target and their response to my curly head brown boy asking if they would like to see his tes-ti-tles. Did I mention that he grabbed the respective area for visual effect? I couldn’t help thinking how I wouldn’t be in this situation if we would’ve stuck with Lala.

Episodes two, three and beyond occur every morning when he wakes up and shouts, "Look mommy, my penis can go up. Come look Mommy," and then he invites Kayla to come check out his newfound trick.

So I’m starting to wonder if this whole enlightened parent thing should have boundaries like, um, really good for music, art, or the sciences. But maybe it shouldn’t creep that low into such areas as private parts. There’s a good reason why the infamous “Head, shoulders, knees and toes” song skips right over that area!

(Truth be told, its still a troubling area for adults. When was the last time you referred to your man’s body part by its proper clinical name—not the one you or he made up ???)

So if adults don’t use the proper names and all of our children are going to end up using pet names in adulthood anyway, I say we cut out the middle man and just stick with pet names from the git-go! As long as we get across the message that it’s a private area and no one is to touch it, then what’s wrong with doodles, wee wees, va-jayjays and lalas, anyway. Who’s with me?

If you’ve had an experience where you realized that you weren’t as enlightened as a mother as you thought you were? Do you have a great body part name substitute or you just a mad funny story about body parts and little ones, then tell us all about it here.

To get some real advice from real experts on the importance of teaching your child the proper body part names and why, try these links: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/319855/when_should_you_teach_children_the.html
http://www.scripps.org/News.asp?ID=447

Kimberly's Konfessions

2008-01-20T19:36:00.000-05:00

(from Sept. 10, 2007)
This mommy business ain’t easy. Sometimes we do things we’d rather not share. This month I’m blogging about my secret guilty pleasures and closed door mommy antics.

Well people here’s my first confession of the month (deep breath)—A few weeks ago I dumped my kids off at my moms house for nearly a whole month!. And besides for a few weak moments, I’ve been relatively guilt free about the whole thing. That’s right I said it. It may not be the PC thing to say but this summer I experienced a guilt free vacation from my kids, and I gotta tell you I really enjoyed it. A few nights, I rode my bike. One evening, I sat on the beach and watched the sunset. Another night, I sat in a bubbly bath until my fingers were shriveled and prune-like. Now before you get all judgmental on me—let me say this, stop the hateration. You’re probably just jealous of my uninterrupted showers, quiet reading time, and the fact that I haven’t had to watch the Disney or Noggin channels in weeks. (well, I did watch High School Musical 2 just so I could talk about it with Kayla on the phone!)

Let me just say in my defense, that the dumping, er, dropping off, was for a good cause. I was completely stressed out over some company staffing issues which caused us to get way behind on processing orders (my continued apologies to my customers. We’re all good now!) Plus, I’m neck deep in writing my next book, The Mocha Manual to Turning Your Profit into Passion (btw, all you women with a side hustle out there, please email me at mailto:info@mochaanual.com to share your story and be a part of my next book!). So my lovely mother offered to take the children for the month of August as her gift to the company and the book writing effort.

Sure, I could of said, “Mom, a month is too long, a week would be great!” or I could of said “I’ve never been away from the kids that long, that may be to too much…” But instead, I said, “Hmm, let me check the flights and get to packing!!”

All you mothers out there, if you have a super-wonderful-June-Cleaver-ish-bakes-brownies- makes-hot-breakfasts-every-day-takes-the-kids-to-the-park-plans-structured-activities- and-outings-reads-every-night-kind-of-mother like I do, you know that they are getting a lot more attention and much better care with her than me peeking out at them over my laptop for hours on end while making breakfast dinners as I’m stressed out over book deadlines and writer’s block.

I’m evolved enough to say sometimes grandma is a better mom than I am. If you need a stand-in mom, grandmas are pretty much the best thing going. They have the experience and the distance to come at the stand-in mom business with a freshness and enthusiasm that we every-day moms can lack due to wear and tear.

I’ve given up being or insisting on being the only person in my kids’ life you can give them Kimberly-sized love and attention. If you have a few select friends or relatives that you respect and think their parenting style is similar to yours and your kids love spending time there, be okay with that. When I call Kayla and Michael and I hear them happy, playing around and excitedly telling me about their day, I’m happy that they are having this time. (Besides, I spent my youthful summers roasting in South Carolina at my grandma’s and if its good enough for me, then its good enough for them…)When I call and they tell me they’re too busy with an arts and craft project or a puzzle to talk to me, my heart twinges a little but I know they are enjoying themselves. And you know what, so am I.

When the time came for me to go pick them up, I couldn’t wait to see my babies. I missed them dearly. But lately I had been missing myself as well. I was lost in running a business, writing a book, managing a house, etc. My mommy vacation has helped me rediscover my balance. Now I’m ready to take on the world and the school year with renewed vigor and vim. Look out world!

Did you have a mommy break this summer? Tell me about it. C’mon, don’t be scurred. Admit to all the fun you had while your kids were away. Or tell me how your mommy guilt ruined it. Either way, I’d love to hear from you!